Cotton Candy Communication
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Speak Less If You Are Not Actually Saying Anything
Great Refs and Umps focus on communication first.
But most beginners mix up the idea of talking and communicating.
They say a lot, but don’t actually say anything.
Communicating means you are delivering game info, warnings, teaching and tips, and being proactive to create a better connection with players.
Many new referees and umpires fall into the trap of “cotton candy communication.” They say a bunch, but actually make things worse.
Your words fill up a bunch of space, like that big bushel of cotton candy at the county fair, but when you drill down, there is nothing there.
How many times have you watched a referee or umpire in a pre-game speech ask out-loud:
“Does anybody have any questions before we get started?”
Might feel good to say, but thats some serious “cotton candy.” Phrasing questions like this, will mean you actually get less questions, which will hurt your engagement with players and teams.
Cotton Candy Communication Has 3 Main Traits:
It’s always vague (no time frame) and indirect
It puts the pressure on someone else
It traps you by hurting connection and engagement
Take an extreme version, of a really tough situation. Your good friend just had a bad tragedy. A family member passed away, or maybe the family dog is lost.
How many times have you heard some version of:
“Please let me know if there is anything we can do.”
In stressful or traumatic situations, people will default to leadership. Your friend doesn’t know what to do, so instead of putting the pressure on THEM to let YOU know, what if you instead said something like:
“Dang Jeff I am so sorry. I’m going to bring you dinner tonight. How many people are at your house, and do you want your favorite Italian place or burgers and fries?
You know your friend. Why hit them with open ended questions, and put pressure on them when they cant even think straight? If you want to help, then say how you will help, instead of asking if someone else needs your help.
Brand new players on opening day don’t even know what they don’t know. Asking them for questions just adds more pressure. In group settings, most people will avoid asking questions and showing they lack knowledge.
These open ended questions just stall communication, even though they might feel helpful or polite.
How are things going?
How are you doing?
Let me know if you need my help with anything?
When was the last time you were in a store, and a salesperson asked you if you needed help?
“Nope just browsing, thanks.”
“Well let me know if I can answer any questions for you?”
How many times did you actually ask a question? How mant times did you think “whew - glad that person just left me alone!”
Asking someone if they have “any questions,” normally leads to less questions.
Asking someone if they need help, normally leads to them being less honest about the help they really need.
As a Social Ref, be proactive and put the pressure on yourself by being direct in your communication.
Think back to our pre-game huddle:
“Captains tell me was there anything that frustrated you from last weeks game?”
We are direct, we have a time frame (last weeks game), and we are specific on what feedback we want (things that frustrated people) since they are more likely to remember what pissed them off more than what was a-ok.
Whenever you can, be direct with players and teams and ask “trigger questions” like the “frustration question” to jump start your communication.
“Home team you seem frustrated with the last inning, is it the strike zone or is something else on your mind?
Think of these ideas next time you communicate, even with a kid!
“Hey how is school going? “
“Good.”
VS.
<Trigger Question> What was your favorite part of School Today?
Well I liked reading time with Sally.
And on you go …
Give a specific time frame, be direct, don’t put the pressure on players to engage, and don’t fall into the trap of thinking a bunch of cotton candy will help your game.
It will always leave players feeling empty, just like the real thing.